Forgiving Someone Who Isn’t Sorry | Allie Johnson’s Story, Part 1

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In Part 1 of this powerful conversation, Charity and Tania sit down with Allie Johnson to hear her story of trauma, shame, addiction, forgiveness, and redemption.

After being hit by an intoxicated driver while eight months pregnant, Allie found herself battling physical pain, postpartum depression, bitterness, and addiction. What began as an attempt to numb the pain became a season of deep shame — until one raw prayer on the bathroom floor became a turning point.

This episode is for anyone who has ever wondered:
How do I forgive someone who isn’t sorry?
How do I stop carrying what someone else did to me?
And can God really redeem the parts of my story that feel too broken?

This is Part 1 of a two-part conversation.

Connect with Allie and Channel Mom:
www.channelmom.org
alie@channelmom.org

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Intentional Breakthrough Resources:

THE BOOK: Intentional Breakthrough by Charity Gurtler
https://a.co/d/08wOsvMY

Intentional breakthrough is possible when we align ourselves with God’s love and truth. You don’t have to sit and wait for your breakthrough to happen. Healing and restoration are attainable. Begin your journey today.

Go Deeper with us:
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https://www.anchoredbiblicalcounseling.org/

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

And this is really like what a lot of our listeners want to hear is like, what does it look like? How did God work in you to forgive somebody who's not sorry for destroying your life for a season?

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Yeah. It's a really difficult thing. It's it's not easy. And to be honest, when I was first starting in that journey, I didn't think it was possible.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

If you would like to stay up to date and get notified of when new episodes, blog posts, or resources are available, click on the subscribe link in the description. Please leave a comment with ideas or questions, or email us at questions at intentionalbreakthrough.com. We would love to hear from you and we'll include them in future QA episodes. For more information on these topics, visit intentional breakthrough.com. And for more information on a guided prayer session, visit anchored biblical counseling.org. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode. Welcome to the Intentional Breakthrough Podcast. Today we have a guest with us, Allie Johnson. I'm so excited to have her on here just to share her story and share what God has done in her life. It's it's a really beautiful story. And when I got to know her and got to hear it, I'm pretty sure I was in tears at one point. So I'm excited to have you on here today, Allie. Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

I really appreciate it. Just, you know, the opportunity to share my story and to um just see what God has done in each of our lives is important. So thank you.

SPEAKER_01 1:24

Yeah, there is power in sharing our stories and what God has done. And then we and my co-host Tanya is here. Hello.

SPEAKER_02 1:31

I'm excited to hear all about Allie because I don't know anything about her story. So I I'm like, oh, let's dig in. Like, I'm so excited to hear. I even want to know. Could could could I ask you guys, how did you two meet? Can we start from there? Like how you guys met?

SPEAKER_01 1:45

How'd you meet? We were at a retreat, uh ladies' retreat, um, on the book of Proverbs, led by Sherry Wagner, who is a really awesome just teacher of the word of God, just helps you really dig deep and really get so much meat out of the word. So we were there and and I think we were just getting ready in the morning. Yeah. We met in the bathroom. In the bathroom. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

Which is interesting because that's a part of my story that I shared with charity too. The Holy Spirit just led me to that too. It's like remind me to come back to that because the bathroom is important. Oh, interesting. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 2:26

That's where we met, is the bathroom. I never put that together.

SPEAKER_02 2:29

I didn't neither just now, in this moment.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 2:33

Oh gosh. I'm so curious.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

I'm gonna give the intro of the bio to at to Ellie. And I actually think I remember how our conversation started. So we'll just start that way. We'll just like recreate our bathroom scene. Yeah. Okay. Ellie is, and not Tony, you don't have Tony has no idea who you are, but she is the prison outreach director for a nonprofit called Channel Mom. And she leads a group called Forever Moms, which is a faith-based parenting program that brings healing, identity, and restoration to incarcerated mothers in Colorado and Arizona. So she goes in there and she's with them and she loves them and teaches them the truth and the word, and it's really powerful. So she has a background in the criminal justice field and a deeply personal journey through trauma, addiction, and a life-altering accident while pregnant. Ellie has experienced firsthand the transforming power of God's forgiveness. Today she is passionate about helping women walk in freedom, breaking cycles of shame, embracing their God-given identity, and discovering that no story is too broken for redemption through Jesus. That's powerful. We could just end right there. I know. I'm like, shape an identity. You're in the right place. That's what we hit all the time, right? I know. So all I knew about Allie is that she did lead this group with for women, like a really real group for women in prison, teaching them about forgiveness, teaching them about just getting healthy and just all sorts of things, which you would know much more than I did. And so I think I saw you in the bathroom. I was like, how did you get started in that? Like, what an amazing, interesting ministry that you're obviously passionate about. And I've heard, I've heard um a lot about from other people. I think that's what it is. Like, how did you get started in that?

SPEAKER_00 4:13

Yeah. So, like you said, it's not necessarily the ministry that everybody's like running towards. And it it creates two different types of reactions, right? You have people who are like, oh, wow, uh, you do prison ministry. And then others are like, oh, I'm really interested. Like, how did you do this? I want to get to know these people too. And so for me, being in criminal justice uh since 2012, I was a part of putting people into prison. So, like kind of like the you versus them. And um, so I worked in diversion, I worked in juvenile assessments, so with kids who were being incarcerated. And then um I also worked in addiction recovery, and then finally I ended my criminal justice career um in diversion. So it's an alternative to sentencing, and um, it allows for people to expunge their record once they complete the diversion program. And so that to me, like given my heart, um, I was like, this is where I kind of want to be because I want them to have a second chance. I believe in second chances. And so that's that's where I left. Um it it was, it was um kind of a life-altering accident that happened in 2019. And so um that's kind of what led me into prison ministry. Because if you were to ask me seven years ago if I would have done prison ministry, I'd be like, no, the justice system is a part of the justice system, there's public consequences for a reason. Um I I just didn't have that mindset, but God really worked on my heart um come 2019. So I don't know if you want me to jump into my story right now.

SPEAKER_01 5:53

Yes, yes, what happened? Yeah, how does the bathroom fit into this? I know I'm waiting.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

Like I can't wait. Okay. So um it let's go back to um 2019. So 2019, I was pregnant. My husband and I went through a miscarriage previously. So this was um after our first miscarriage, um, we got pregnant with Aubrey.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

I didn't know that. So there's probably a little bit of like a hesitancy and fear with it.

SPEAKER_00 6:23

Yeah, absolutely. It was like, okay, God's got us. Um, we have a healthy pregnancy, all the things. I was eight months pregnant, and I was picking my husband up. Um, I worked really long shifts. So nine o'clock, he was in a pool league. And so I went to pick him up from um the bar at after pool. And it was about 9:30 at night, it was October in 2019, and we were driving home and we were in our neighborhood, and I looked in my rearview mirror and I just saw this car approaching super fast. And uh I looked at my husband and I was like, babe, uh, he's gonna hit us. He's gonna hit us. And um, so I went into a panic and started gripping the steering wheel. I was like, I don't know where to go. Um, going over a hill, I'm approaching a stop sign, and um he he hit us. Uh I was eight months pregnant, and um, come to find out he was intoxicated while driving was going 60 in the neighborhood. Um, and he plot right into the back of our car. And um, you know, being eight months pregnant, I'm pretty large, you know. My I have to sit further back in the seat so my belly doesn't hit the steering wheel. And, you know, through that impact, um, we we suffer a lot of physical injuries. Um at the time, you know, eight months pregnant, you're you feel the baby all the time. And so I had about three hours of uh no fetal movement. And um, so ambulance police showed up at the scene, and um that's a long three hours. Oh, agonizing. It's like, you know, things flashing in my mind. Like I'm not even really thinking about my own pain. I'm like, is a baby okay? And um it's she's I just want to give a full disclosure, she'll be seven in November. So God wins, God wins. But um, you know, just being in the hospital and um, you know, figuring out that I had, you know, these injuries, and um, they weren't gonna be able to do anything until after Aubrey was born. Um, so just having to endure the accident and the physical barriers that I had towards the end of my pregnancy um was just extremely complicated and uh just went into kind of a mental health spiral. Things were great for the first little bit after Aubrey was born. And, you know, we were really excited, but those thoughts came back rushing through my head is like, this isn't what I thought motherhood was gonna be like. Um, I can't really hold my baby without um pain. Um and you know, I had all these appointments, and you know, this is 2019, so we all know what happened in March is COVID. Yeah, um, the world shut down. So I'm stuck inside my home um dealing with all of these thoughts.

SPEAKER_02 9:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:12

And um I went into my own cycle of um postpartum depression and addiction. And um, I grew up in a family where addiction was very present. Um, and I tried my hardest really not to be a part of that story um to give my children a life that I didn't have growing up, um, because my dad was always drinking. And um so I tried really hard, but you know, the enemy creeped in. And it's like you guys are talking before about spiritual warfare, is like I was in that season of warfare was so heavy on my life that like every little thing, I wasn't good enough, I was um, you know, physically hurt. But he crept in. And um, you know, working in criminal justice, I'm telling people that, you know, they can't be using substances and leading a double life, like just masks that I, you know, I'm telling somebody not to use substances where you know I'm using substances every single night and trying to drown out and numb the pain um and numb my thoughts. And so the bath that I have.

SPEAKER_02 10:24

Yeah. Oh, I want to if you if you are comfortable sharing, sure. Um and it's like it's maladaptive coping skills, but like you're trying to, you're trying to um self-medicate. Well, obviously, you're self-medicating because like the physical pain, the emotional pain. Can I ask a little bit about like what it felt like to being in that journey of addiction? Because I feel like some a lot of people can empathi. If you've never gone through addiction like that, you don't know. You know, it's like when you're in it though, it's um do you feel comfortable sharing a little bit about that?

SPEAKER_00 10:58

Absolutely. Um it was an immense amount of shame. Like the first thought before I had any drink or anything was, this isn't me. This isn't who I am. I know this isn't who I am. Um but the substances had a much stronger foothold in my life than I ever imagined. And how do you define shame? Um shame is just the constant, the constant regret, um, the constant um thoughts of like knowing what's right and and actively going against what I know is right and and who I know who I'm known to be. You know, I was always, you know, the ha the happy person, that, you know, the extrovert, um, all of those things, but nobody knew how broken I was on the inside because I had that mask of just just not knowing who I was going to be in this season, um, uncertainty. And and exactly, Tanya, I was numbing every sort of feeling of that. I was like, I don't want to come to any sort of realization that I'm not who I show up as.

SPEAKER_01 12:04

Um so you said you said there's like a lot of thoughts that you're trying to drown out. What were those thoughts?

SPEAKER_00 12:10

Just anger, bitterness. Um, that accident really crippled the way that I looked at life. Um, you know, I I had a faith in God um growing up. My my parents never came to church with me. I was always going to youth group and um, you know, had a relationship with God. And um at the time I was in a season where I wasn't actively going to church. Um I'd be praying, but it wasn't, I wasn't in a very um great foundation of a season, even before the accident. Probably, you know, I was just too focused on what I was doing, you know, you know, setting up, um, getting ready to be a mom, um, focusing on my career that I had pushed my relationship with God aside. Yeah. And it was really hard for me to come back to God um right away because I had that anger. I'm like, God, why me? You know, I believe in you. I know that um, you know, you're there and you're out there, but why would you let this happen to me? You know, I'm a good person. Um so anger at God too. Yeah, anger, bitterness, bitterness, um, anger at the person who hit us. Um, because like, you know, those choices that he made that evening um put me in in a life full of, you know, that anger. And, you know, I think what made me even more angry was the fact that he lied about it. Um, he said that I pulled out in front of him. And, you know, there was just a lot of discretion in the story.

SPEAKER_01 13:40

That would make me fresh.

SPEAKER_02 13:41

Okay, but he's driving 60 miles an hour in a residential. So either way, if you pulled out in front of him, you didn't see him because he was driving anyway. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:49

I'm like, no. I'm on a straightaway. You know, and here, no, there, the the details of the accident itself, um, I I've left behind such a long time ago that, you know, if if he's got a different narrative, I mean, that that's his story. And um, yeah, so that's kind of where it led me. Um, the the bathroom. We'll go back to the bathroom. Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

So we we interrupted you and you were talking about the thoughts, the feelings, the overwhelming, the shame. And you ended up turning to substances, you know, even though you tried really hard not to, like that's what was helping you get through it. So that's where we left you.

SPEAKER_00 14:29

Yeah. Um, it it was every single day. Um, every single day I I would have a drink. Um, you know, it would be watching the baby in the morning until my husband got home, and then I would start drinking. And um, you know, it it was that that shame that kept reappearing of that little voice in my head that was like, Allie, this isn't you. This isn't you. This is this is everything you work so hard not to have in your life, and and you're doing it. And um, there was a night where I was I was really intoxicated, I was really sick. Um, and so I physically was on my knees throwing up in the bathroom, and just so loud in my head, it was like, this has gotta end. This is this has got to end. I can't do this. I don't want my daughter to go through this. Like my husband's sleeping in the other room, I'm puking in the bathroom, my baby's asleep, and like I'm going through this alone. And all I knew in that moment was to just cry out to God and to just say, God, God help me. God help me through this. I need you. It wasn't a long prayer, but it was it was real, it was raw. It was the loudest voice in my head was like, God, I need you. And in that moment, I didn't feel anything, you know. Um, it wasn't until a couple days later that I knew that he was working in my life. I just didn't know. Like I just I felt this weight lift. Um it's hard to explain. It was almost like a physical lift. Um, but I just felt a weight lift. And you know, the next day, I couldn't cut it the next day. Um but I I was drinking less. Um, and there was a news piece that came within that week um a news piece of a faith-based incarceration program that showed up. And I was watching it, I was like, hmm, okay. So I I watched the whole um news story. It was on channel channel nine news, and um, it was this woman named Jenny, and she goes into prison and she teaches these ladies. Um when she was telling the story of the curriculum. The curriculum, the first four weeks, um, works on the mom and her heart, and um, it talks about shame, forgiveness, and guilt, and all the things that I was experiencing in that exact moment. I was like, wow, that's really interesting. Like, yes, there's a physical barrier there, incarcerated and I'm not, but I'd like that spoke to me. And um then the last five weeks of the program focuses on reconnecting her with her children. And I'm like, that's exactly what I'm trying to do right now. It's like, yeah, my baby is young, but I want to reconnect with my daughter in a healthy way. I want to show up for her sober. I want to give her the life that she deserves that I wanted so badly as a little girl. And um, I heard just an audible voice in my head. It was so loud. It was like, this is where I want you. And so I called her, didn't know where the call was gonna lead. Um, and I called her and I was like, hey, I just I saw the news piece and I'm really interested. Here's what I do for work. I'm part of this, here's my story, here's my testimony. And um, she's like, Okay, I want you to volunteer. And that was kind of how I got involved. I started volunteering at Denver Women's Correctional, and um, it completely changed my life. That is exactly where God met me. Um, he met me in the bathroom floor, obviously, but um he also met me in the way to where um he was not only working on the hearts of the ladies in prison, but he's working on my heart to be a leader and to use my story with intention and connection. And um so that's that's really how I got connected and you know, now I'm I'm sober. Um and there's been ups and downs, but um, you know, in seasons of my life where I'm like, oh, I can reintroduce alcohol in a healthy way. And like I've come to the decision about 145 days ago that there's alcohol has no business in my life. I can't steward it well, I can't have a social drink, it's just not a part of my life. Um, and so yeah, that's yeah how that's amazing, how I got connected.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

I remember thank you for sharing that, Ellie, and thank you for being so real and willing to be vulnerable and open.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:14

I remember asking you, because it's so clear God has done this work in you, and it's so such a big reason to be angry with at God at um at the the driver that hit you. And so can you speak a little bit about your journey? Cause I had I know that that was part of your journey of healing that God brought you to. So how did you handle the bitterness and the anger?

SPEAKER_00 19:40

Yeah. Um not without struggle. Um I I would consider myself a very empathetic person. Um but I've never endured anything that required so much of me um to be that empathetic person. I I've never been um hurt by someone else so badly that I had to really figure out how to navigate my life without that anger and bitterness. Um and so that was where the journey of, you know, forgiveness and um, you know, God really working on my heart to be able to not live in that place of anger and bitterness every single day. Um and you know, it took oh gosh, when did that really happen? Probably so 2019 to 2021 or 2022, so about two years, three years of like really stepping back into my faith, because I knew God God had a hold of me in the bathroom. And I knew that like I needed to really step forward and and start um actively going to church and um really putting time and intentionality into my relationship with God. And like that's where he started revealing different things at different times. And it um it was kind of a compounding effect because like he would show me little pieces here and there of um, hey, I'm gonna need you to forgive this person. I'm like, God, no. Sorry, you took so much away from me. This is this is not justice, and this was how my brain was driven. Yeah, this is the driver.

SPEAKER_01 21:21

Okay, so he's like whispering to you to forgive.

SPEAKER_02 21:24

Yeah. And then you're just like, no. Like a you mentioned earlier that his narrative is different than yours, obviously. So I'm assuming that he never said, I'm really sorry for what I did to your family or did to you. So what does it look like then? You know, and this is really like what a lot of our listeners want to hear is like, what does it look like? How did God work in you to forgive somebody who's not sorry for destroying your life for a season?

SPEAKER_00 21:50

Yeah. It's a really difficult thing. It's it's not easy. And to be honest, when I was first starting in that journey, I I didn't think it was possible. I truly I didn't I didn't have that really gung-ho feeling of oh yeah I'm gonna be able to forgive him and I'm gonna be able to move past this. I thought that there would always be a little piece of me that um would stay stuck in that. I just I couldn't clearly see how that would ever go away. And it's you know what what God showed me is that unforgiveness would keep me tied to that moment forever. Um the unforgiveness, staying stuck in that is where I would continue to replay and I would continue to get caught in that cycle. It was my own bondage. He has already moved past the accident, right? And so what I had to come to realize is I cannot change him. I can pray for him, I can, I can ask, you know, him to change his life and all of these things ask, or I'm sorry, ask God for him to change his life because God's the only one who can who can really pull anybody out of something like that. And um, you know, that's that's all I can do. There's nothing that I can do or say that will change this man. Um, and so I started looking inward. What can I do? Because I don't want to be stuck feeling like this. And so that's really where he showed me that unforgiveness ties me to something that somebody else did to me. Um and I had to learn that forgiveness is also not just about saying that it's okay. It's that God, I trust you with this, that I have such a foundation in Christ to where I can say, God, I'm handing this over to you. This burden is no longer mine to carry. And that's that's where we get beyond that because nothing we do can excuse the act. The act happened. Um, but what I can do is release myself from being tied up and wrapped around in that sin. That sin was a was a direct reaction to what had happened to me. So I was caught up in in all of these actions in myself. Yeah. Yeah. And his sin too. Wow. Which is which is so ironic because the sin that I went to was the very thing that got like took from me. It's like I went to alcohol. It's like, yeah, come on.

SPEAKER_02 24:19

It just doesn't make sense. Well, that that is exactly the way that the enemy, like, I trust me, I caught the irony in that. I was like, oh, like the the the devil makes me so mad I want to punch him in the face sometimes. Yes. Because he does things like this. But what you said, it's like an almost charity. I feel like it was exactly from a GPS session. It's that unforgiveness. I wrote it down, unforgiveness keeps me tied to that moment forever. Powerful. That's the reason we forgive, not because it's okay. Like you said, it's not okay what happened to you and what that man did is not okay. What he stole from you is not okay. But that unforgiveness will keep you tied to it for forever. And you deserve to release that to a God who loves you and will take care of you through it.

SPEAKER_01 25:02

That's powerful. I like how you said forgiveness is not saying it's okay because it's not okay. And a lot of times people think forgiveness is denial, because that would be denial. It'd be denying what actually happened, denying the real the sin that was there, the the hurt, the pain, the repercussions, and and real forgiveness is saying that happened and that hurt and that was hard and it wasn't right. It was wrong. And but accepting that and then saying, Hey, God, but I give it to you. But I trust you more, then I want to hold on to this. I'm willing to trust you and play for your team. And because of that, I'm willing to lay this down and trust you with it. And I thought your definition of forgiveness was absolutely perfect. It was beautiful. If we could put that on, shorten that to a t-shirt, I would wear it, wear the t-shirt.

SPEAKER_02 25:55

I actually coach my kids like that. Like I tell my kids, because we apologize to our kids all the time. Like, and our kids are my kids are a little older, they're teenagers. Um, but my my middle son, I'll say things like, I'm really sorry that I disappointed you, or I'm really sorry that whatever, whatever I'm I'm asking for forgiveness for. And he'll say, It's okay. And I said, No, it's not okay. And I don't want you to say that. Like if people apologize to you, don't say it's okay. Like what they did or whatever we're apologizing for is wrong, but it's okay to say, I forgive you. But it's but don't I coach them when they say it's okay. I'm like, no, don't say that. I don't want you to say it's okay because what happened to you is not okay or whatever. I mean, it's not like big, like I might have to say I'm sorry for not dropping off your viola that you forgot because I told you don't forget it, you know?

SPEAKER_00 26:40

So no, it's important to reframe that narrative. I mean, my kids, I I do that with my kids as well. It's like when we say I'm sorry, it is. It's like a I forgive you. Um that that is the language that I think is so important because it takes time. And so for anybody that is going through a season where they're having a hard time releasing or letting um something go, or um, you know, really struggling with a relationship where somebody else has hurt us, um, it takes time and it's not an overnight thing. It's not a thing that we can ever put a timeline on. Um, it's when your heart pressure is ready, but when it comes faster when you realize that these burdens are not ours to carry and that it is it is okay to say exactly that, that what happened to me was not okay. That hurt, but God, I trust you with this is like if you can replay that in your mind, it becomes easier and easier to practice that forgiveness. And um, I feel like it that was a really big one for me to work on. But now, like some of the smaller ones are easier because I'm able to release that a lot sooner and walk past it. And it's not that we we don't come back to those things, it's not that I I completely shut out the accident or shut out that time in my life, but when it does creep in, when there are those triggers, when I do have those feelings of wow, I wish things were different. Like it it is so much easier for me to kind of push that aside and just say, no, no, no, we can we can sit in this for a minute, but we aren't gonna sit in this forever. And that's exactly what we teach. So you allow yourself to feel, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:25

So you allow yourself to feel, but with the intention of giving it over to the Lord.

SPEAKER_00 28:30

Yes.

unknown 28:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:30

What are we gonna say? You teach this in prison? Yeah, this is exactly the lesson that we teach in prison too. We never excuse the crime, whether they committed it against somebody else or somebody committed it against them. Um, we never excuse the crime, and that's what we walk past. It's like you have to have forgiveness of what um what wrongs you have done in your life. Um, but that's where it starts, is we have to be able to forgive ourselves. I had to be able to forgive myself for showing up uh at work and um, you know, having a mask. And there, there are things that I had to work on to forgive myself for how I reacted to this situation. Um and so there's there's so many layered pieces to forgiveness. It's not just necessarily um forgiving somebody else, it's forgiving ourselves for how we how we acted through that.

SPEAKER_02 29:14

Okay, so as we come down to the home church here, because we're about out of time, and it looks like we're gonna have to have a part two because there's so much we want to get into. But Ali, if people want to get connected to you in your prison ministry, how do they reach you? How do they get connected?

SPEAKER_00 29:27

Yeah, so um our website is www.channelmom.org. Um, and there is a contact us box. Um, you can fill that out. Um, you can also um email me at Ali at channelmom.org and just mention that you um heard the podcast and I'd be happy to walk you through what that looks like. Um, right now we're only operating in Colorado and Arizona with plans to move to different states. So if you're tuning in from anywhere else and you have interest in serving um what's in this, we have some at-home projects and you know, potentially could put you on the list of prisons we would like to expand to in the future.

SPEAKER_01 30:12

Awesome, thank you. Okay, we're gonna have to close down because we're out of time, but uh next week is we're having Ellie back, and we're gonna dig in even more because I have so many questions and just want to see even more, um, hear more details about everything God did in your life. So thanks for tuning in. Thank you. We'll see you next week.